progress in motion.

I'm gonna start recording my everyday numbers here + my progress each week.

Let's see some fuckin' change.

shit like this is the reason why "fuck you" was invented.

FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.
FUCK YOU.

Have you not learned from anything I've taught you? To NOT be weak, to NOT let other people control your decisions, to NOT be stupid?!

I've gotten to the point where I don't really know what I want.
Life is really fucking great, but when you look underneath that thin layer of greatness there's chaotic bullshit feasting on the hearts of people I care about most. This is all poisoning me. Everything I've done to get this far, it's going away. I would say I won't let that happen, but it's fucking hard to keep my word to that right now.

I don't know.

I think I was meant to be alone.
Everything's gotten so FUCKED with everyone that it's just so weird to be intimate with another right now.

______: "You amaze me."
Sam: "How so?"
______: "Your wit and style and beauty."

That "your wit" added in there just made my night less spiteful.
Thank you, ______

The stars aligned, and we fell apart.

I wish I really wasn't that dumb to let you go before.
I hate this. I hate this constant wanting you back all the time.
It's not that I don't want to want you back, it hurts because I can't have you back.
I told you I'm not gonna give up.

I hate patience.
I hate shit like this.
I hate human stupidity.

That was not the first and last time I've been so ignorant like that.
It's happened once since then. Except that time it wasn't so much of a let go, it was more of an I didn't act on emotions and I let that person slip into another lucky girl's arms.

"You can't miss what you've never had at all."
Whoever agrees with that is righteously mistaken.

existentialism

Existentialism – A Definition
Existentialism in the broader sense is a 20th century philosophy that is centered upon the analysis of existence and of the way humans find themselves existing in the world. The notion is that humans exist first and then each individual spends a lifetime changing their essence or nature.

In simpler terms, existentialism is a philosophy concerned with finding self and the meaning of life through free will, choice, and personal responsibility. The belief is that people are searching to find out who and what they are throughout life as they make choices based on their experiences, beliefs, and outlook. And personal choices become unique without the necessity of an objective form of truth. An existentialist believes that a person should be forced to choose and be responsible without the help of laws, ethnic rules, or traditions.

Hm.. I really find the basic idea of existentialism quite fantastic.
Except for the whole "you have to find the meaning for EVERYTHING in your life"
Why would you want to find a meaning for everything? I mean... why not leave some things alone? I dunno.

I do, however, love how it's all focused on personal human experiences rather than mathematics and science.

I wanna watch a movie. (:

FUCK

I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.
I hate my body. I hate my body. I hate my body.

So, so much.

123456789

You have no idea how much I want this. How much I'm going to give up for you. How much I'm going to fight for this to work. I am in full realization that I fucked you over before, and everyday I regret it. I don't know if you forgive me now, but I have a feeling that if this works out that you just might in the future.

FMSDL;FUSDL;FUISDFLSJDFLKJAKLSDJFLSJ

Let's make Tuesday a bloody fuckin' wonderful, beautifully sunny Tuesday.

Navigate Me Through Your Body

So I'm starting to drink erryday this lemon shit. It's just like a regular coffee cup mug with hot water and a tablespoon full of this lemon shit. It's gonna help detoxify my body and stuff. It makes you pee like a mother fucker though.

This weekend was really.. wonderful. I was so happy last night; running down the ramp with cigarette in hand and dancing with Lexi. It was so much fun. I love The Loft. and Jake Hanson. He came into Oregon today and there was this one moment when we were sitting outside of The Firefly and we made finger penises (unzipping your pant's zipper and sticking your finger through) and we fell over laughing and then the sign outside The Firefly fell over cause of the wind and we freaked out. :) Lexi also came into Oregon today, and the three of us pranced around downtown in the lovely weather. I love them both so much.

asdlfkmsd;flisudf

Let's start seeing some change!

I love Dallas Green.

The Girl.

I wish I could do better by you,
'cause that's what you deserve.
You sacrifice so much of your life,
in order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams,
sailing around the world.
Please know that I'm yours to keep,
my beautiful girl.

When you cry a piece of my heart dies,
knowing that I may have been the cause.
If you were to leave,
fulfill someone else's dreams,
I think I might totally be lost.

You don't ask for no diamond rings,
no delicate string of pearls.
That's why I wrote this song to sing,
my beautiful girl.

One, two, one two three four
I wish I could do better by you,
'cause it's what you deserve.
You sacrifice so much of your life,
in order for this to work.

While I'm off chasing my own dreams (my own dreams),
sailing around the world (round the world).
Please know that I'm yours to keep,
my beautiful girl.

And when you cry a piece of my heart dies,
knowing that I may have been the cause.
If you were to leave and fulfill someone else's dreams,
I think I might totally be lost.

But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings),
No delicate string of pearls (String of pearls).
That's why I wrote this song to sing,
my beautiful girl.

But you don't ask for no diamond rings (Diamond rings),
No delicate string of pearls (String of Pearls).
That's why I wrote this song to sing,
my beautiful girl.

------------------------

I woke up this morning and I had 2 missed calls and 1 voicemail from someone that it made me happy. It's like, I know that now they actually try and they wanna hang out with me. It's a really awesome confidence booster. Today I feel beautiful. It's a really really really fucking amazing thing, I haven't felt this good in months.

ALERT THE MEDIA! THIS SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH SUCCESS STORY JUST IN VIA SAM HUSTON!
Turns out that when you break off from everyone else for a bit and just do your own thing, that you learn a lot about yourself and you can really get a good look at the world around you and the individuals in your life. You can appreciate life a lot more, and you learn how to fix mistakes more easily.

(Finally) Life is panning out nicely.

You Sacrifice So Much of Your Life in Order for This to Work.

I was making Wes another mix CD when I came across the song "No One Gets Left Behind" By Devotchka - It's in the movie Little Miss Sunshine. I was also looking up quotes (just cause I do that a lot) and I decided to transition my search from Jimi Hendrix quotes to Little Miss Sunshine quotes. God, I love that movie.

"You know what? Fuck beauty contests. Life is one fucking beauty contest after another. School, then college, then work... Fuck that. And fuck the Air Force Academy. If I want to fly, I'll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and fuck the rest."

It got me thinking of how much sole truth is in that, and when it really comes down to it fuck everyone else, your happiness is the number one priority. If you're not happy then you can't please other people and carry out living your life. If you fake being happy then you're lying to everyone; and the feeling of fooling everyone like that is just about as bad as having someone say "I'm not mad, just disappointed in you." So wouldn't you rather be genuinely happy and not have to constantly think of "Oh gosh I gotta do this so I can cover that up and make sure to please you so that I can have a good day." ? I mean, in all serious. I know this whole thing sounds selfish as hell. But fuck it, after everything that's happened this year I've learned that once you can put yourself on your feet and go down your own road, (not someone else's planned out for you) that you can figure shit out your way and then just be happy. This all probably doesn't make any sense at all. But it does to me. Might make sense to Weston as well. Speaking of, so this kid Wesley Lethem; yeah. He's my best fucking friend. He's my bro. He's just everything that is good in this world combined into this 5'8 (just a guess) of flesh. I love him quite a lot. I know I said that Lexi was my best friend, and she is. But I've got three. Lexi, Weston, and Breezy. I have so much to thank the three of you for. Everything about them makes me happy. I don't have to try to be happy; I just am, and that's fucking wonderful to me.

So today, I've got a church to be at by eight thirty or so for a two hour wake for my Great Grandma and then a funeral at eleven? I can't remember. Then I've got a luncheon that I'm supposed to attend and then another after after thing at Country Corners until like five or so. Then after all that depressing stuff; I get to go to The Loft and see Kiernan McMullan(sp?) Loftland Fighting Aurora and a couple other bands with Weston<4+5 and Jake H. I'm excited. It's gonna be a good end to a long day.

God damn, I'm gonna post another right after this one.

google fight.

sex vs samantha huston
...sex won. very good.

World Civ would never be the same without my love, Noah. :D
http://www.globalpov.com/images/oldlady.jpg <-- that photo made me laugh so hard I was crying and stuff. Noah said I was dumb. But that's okay. I have no shame.
I also learned that Jordain Sanger has a blue tick as a pet and she's been to Canada.. but never out of the country. She loves thunderstorms and is clearly confused with geography and likes to dance the dance of Ballet. Hurumph. School ends in four minutes.

THIS IS A SUITABLE VALEDICTORY/

Today was different. Started out really great. Got to school early, was in an awesome mood. Then She came up to me and was crying. Of course I comforted Her. Skipped first hour to talk to Her. We're neutral now, with progression. It's something that I'm more than content with.

Exciting; Jodi might let me go to The Loft on Saturday.
FRIDAY MAY TWENTY8TH OF MICE AND MEN THE COLOR MORALE IN FEAR AND FAITH AND THE BLED @ THE LOFT! Most definitely going. Damn, I haven't been to a show in ages. Dx

SPAMMING.

I love Lexi Marie MacLeod. I am so happy that she's such an important part of my life. She's my number one. My best friend. No one can compare to her.
I mean, sure; I have fun with all of my friends. But not as much fun as I have with her. She's the best fucking thing. I wouldn't trade her for the world.

<333

Headaches.

(Insert Name Here) was at school today. I was supposed to see them at lunch 6th hour, but instead for my 5th hour English class we went to the computer lab and worked on our graphic novels and through the window I saw (Insert Name Here) and my heart dropped to my stomach. Of course I told Nicci and Nicci and I were banging on the window to get their attention and they finally looked over and waved and I was smiling 'cause, well, I was happy as hell. Then I went back to work and looked up and they were looking at me and staring and I tried to ignore it, but I couldn't. So I just started blankly back and continued to work. I saw them 6th hour but for some reason I couldn't be around them. It hurt too much. So I sat at a different table with Anna J. and I kept on noticing them staring at me. So I got up to put my tray away and I walked back and they weren't there. I walked out to the foyer to get some air and they ran into me and we had slight conversation. It was difficult. Then another individual came into the Commons and of course this other individual waited until they knew they had my attention and then ran up to (Insert Name Here) and hugged and kissed them. I of course picked my stuff up and walked away and started to cry; but then my wonderful pal Bjorn came up to me and made me smile and laugh and it was nice.
Before I went to Biology I made the decision to text (Insert Name Here) Telling them that "I think it would be best if you didn't talk to me at all anymore." It was hard as hell, but I did it. I found out that he didn't have his phone with him @ school. So yeah. Pah.

After school I had a concerto audition at five20. So I had nothing to do until then soooo I called up my friend Ethan and he picked me up and we hit up the Firefly and had a smoke, he got a Chai Latte (if that's how you spell it) and then we drove to Goodland Park and we walked on water (the lake) and we felt like Genuine Jesus'. XD It was pretty rad. He took me back to the school and I had my audition and I have got to say I was shitting bricks. I messed up a phrase of running 8th's and shiiiiiiiit. It'll be a miracle if I make it.

Anywho, I'm contemplating making myself a Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich.
To eat or not to eat.

you make me sick.

there are no words to express what's going on in my mind right now other than,
"I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S SAFE TO SAY I FUCKING DESPISE YOU, AND EVERYTHING THAT YOU'VE BROUGHT ALONG WITH YOUR PITIFUL EXISTENCE."
so congratulations, you fucking bastard.

everything you've made me endure. you broke a promise. no, not just a promise. OUR promise. you've lost all of your dignity to your name by your own actions of slithering back to that pathetic excuse for a carrier of female genitalia. all the bullshit you made up out of impulse. such flawless bullshit that even you believed it yourself. i am sorry, but you're just a fucking dumbass who needs to REALLY get his priorities straight. i know you're aware, but for the sake of fucking blogging, i'm gonna say it anyways; you piss a lot of people off.
FUCK.

i want a cigarette.
peace.

6:18(?)

I woke up @ 3:02 this morning, fully awake, contemplated staying up, but decided against it. I mean, if you could sleep for another two hours, hell by all means. So I went back to sleep. Woke up @ five:8teen and stayed up. Took three of my St. John's Wort pills (for emotional shit), brushed my teeth, drank a Monster, and now I'm burning Wes' CD quick before I finish getting ready for school. I'm in a relatively splendid mood. ^.^

I also figured out what I want to do for my Graphic Novel in English;
Last year I payed this creepy guy named James 40 dollars to drive me to Dubuque so I could see this one guy that I was incredibly into. And it turned out that he totally fucked me over and didn't talk to me the whole entire time. I went home around midnight and sat in my driveway for 45 minutes crying in the pouring rain. I went inside fell asleep woke up the next morning took a shower and I was crying so hard that I couldn't stand up. But out of it I met Brody, one of the most valued individuals I have in my life.
:)

Let's make today a good day.

Ridiculous.

Just bloody fuckin' ridiculous.

I've gone through at least 5 different emotions tonight.
Felt like I'm constantly lying to everyone 'cause they see me as this beautiful being of an individual, as I see myself as this repulsive wreck of a piece of shit.
Then I felt in the mood for drinking this monster and staying up and having a smoke later.
Then I felt like I wanna curl up on a couch and drown myself in some really chill, eastylistening music. Like Imogen Heap or something.
Then I felt optimism for the upcoming week regarding my grades.
Like I could do everything by Friday and my mom would be proud of me and happy and let me off my grounding early.
Then I felt incredibly uninspired.

Currently. I feel tired as hell. And like calling it quits tonight.
But, I want that cigarette... Pah, fuck the cigarette. I'm going to bed.

"im gonna need a hispanic hooker, a large pizza, and a tub of pepto bismol"
Dylan, Dylan, Dylan... You make me wonder. >.<

MondaysyadnoM

Mondays really irk me. Especially this one.
I didn't feel like going to 1st, 7th, 8th, or 9th hour.
Instead I practiced my viola. At least I was productive, eh?
Also, I'd love nothing more than to let you know how you truly make me feel.
In all serious I would not mind whatsoever taking your eyelids and ripping them off while scalping you with a plastic spoon, while screaming into your god forsaken ears,
"WHY"

"Let's have a game with happy and sad music."
Oh, dubstep; how I love you so.

dubstep. biology. world civilizations. english. monster.
(My night.)

Pah, just remembered I need to come up with a script and storyboard by Wednesday for my Pivotal Moment graphic novel for English. >.>
What is a pivotal moment considered anyways?